I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
You Might Also Like
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.