ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
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“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself