Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
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MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
me when i see my girls butt
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Leaving the Barbers like
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Just as the prophecy foretold
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap