Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
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I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
what could possibly go wrong?
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”