there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
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Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
My work here is done
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces