*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
You Might Also Like
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.