Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
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I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
I have obtained a hat
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass