[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
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“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…