Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
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Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.