Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
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I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
🤣😂🤣
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.