me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
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interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them