“TGIM!” – My liver
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An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land