GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
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Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.