In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
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I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
I put the mess in domestic.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Y’all ready for this
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.