The point of your 20s
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I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’