At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
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Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine