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Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
never ask a starfish for directions
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.