Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
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*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Why am I like this?