not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
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HEYYYY MACARENA
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.