$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
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im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”