No point crayon over spilled milk.
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Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Florida man
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t