Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
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Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.