me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
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Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…