If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
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i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.