Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
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Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Gemma Correll
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me