I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
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my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.