My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
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Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
this chia pet tastes awful
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
😍😂🥰😂😍
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Effort made
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.