[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
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[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Jupiter
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work