You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
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Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
They did not think through this water fountain
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
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Canada has crack?
My love language is hissing.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.