5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
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*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out