Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
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We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.