imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
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With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Body by cheese-puffs.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.