BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
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I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.