My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
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[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.