Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
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My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
is this how new cars are made??
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before