my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
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Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.