pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
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*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
One of the best
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
very niche meme I made
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.