Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
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Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.