My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
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actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny