When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
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I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
I saw nothing
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?