It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
You Might Also Like
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.