mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
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I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out