I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
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If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
my astrological sign is a french fry
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week