You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
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I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”