Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
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Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
#merica
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
incredible text to wake up to
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better