my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
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Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
LOL!
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.