this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
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Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Breakfast for Stoners:
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
I’m not wrong