“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
You Might Also Like
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Whoa… oh I see lol
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
jesus, what did this guy do
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
When your parents check you’re ok.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell