The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
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4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.