I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
You Might Also Like
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…